It has been said that the ultimate in martial skill is defusing a confrontation without the use of physical force. Unfortunately, avoiding a physical confrontation sometimes involves more than simply walking away from an aggressor. Aggressors often look to impose their sense...or even their need... of physical dominance over another. Dealing with one who is very aggressive or a "bully" is often difficult and involves applying effective communication skills if one is serious in avoiding a physical confrontation. In doing so, you must consider that skillful communication comes in many forms, in particular, through your verbal language and your body language.

To first understand how to difuse a bully, one must first begin the process of understanding what it is a bully needs. Only by understanding a bully's needs can one be truly prepared for the negotiation that takes place between aggressor (bully) and victim. We should clarify here that not every aggressor is open to communicate...or negotiate. Certainly there are those out there who are likely to physically attack and then ask questions later. Nevertheless, the notes below will likely remind you of someone who you have run into during your life and who you would describe as a "bully". Below is an excerpt from The Game of Life. Dr. JIM MURRAY, a highly sought after expert in the area of human behavior, has compiled his many years of research and application to give us "tools" to better understand why conflict happens and what some of our options are in dealing with conflict (in a non-physical way). The life skills presented in this book are invaluable for anyone dealing with conflict management and can be ordered through totalfitnesssolutions.com. Contact us to order.

Excerpt from The Game of Life:

Bullies are people who are generally abusive, abrupt, overwhelming, intimidating, and arbitrary with others. Their tone is one of arrogance and their attack is direct, forceful and accusing. Bullies are stimulated by any sign of weakness or submissiveness, and their impatience with people who exhibit these characteristics typically manifests itself in irritation, indignation or even outright anger. They are contemptuous of their victims, considering them weak and overly deferential people who deserve to be pushed around.

Bullies can be very competent and powerful people in their own right. They invariably rise to positions of power and authority. Their self-determined and self-confident natures serve them and their organizations well, especially when single-minded leadership is required. Bullies value things like competence, confidence, social order and aggressiveness in other people. They do tend to get a lot accomplished. But they are also likely to achieve their short-term objectives at the price of creating disagreement, dissension and alienation among those who work with or for them. They neither understand nor appreciate the need for tact, diplomacy, empathy, courtesy and other similar qualities that, for most of us at least, constitute effective interpersonal skills.

Unfortunately, Bullies possess a pressing need to prove, both to themselves and to others, that their view of the world is always right. They have an inflated sense of their own self-importance and superiority. As with all challenging players in the game, it's not so much what they do but how they choose to do it that tends to anger, demoralize or debilitate us. And with Bullies the feeling is often much worse. It's as if you've been run over by a truck!

Bullies appear to derive satisfaction from abusing their victims. While capable of physical assaults, the abuse is more likely to be psychological. They possess an uncanny sense of who will make a good victim. It's as if they have antennae for insecure people, for those with low self-esteem or self-confidence. They seem to know which people are unlikely to retaliate when verbally abused or insulted. As with most of the challenging players in the game, however, it is the victim who energizes the monster by reinforcing the objectionable behaviour with normal but unthinking responses.